I want to be able to talk to my mom about sex.

Hello Tumblr,

    Long time no speak . Huh? I thought I didn’t need you anymore because shit has been perfect around here well at least I thought so. But clearly, something always proves me incorrect. School is great well my grades are. I’m working my ASS off; hopefully it will all work out in the end. I have a 4.0 gpa though. I’m so fucking proud of myself. I thought Spanish 3 would be the killer but we’re working it out. No one really even notices how hard i work in school but i’ve become accustomed to being proud of myself. Everyone keeps mentioning prom but i can’t go . Thanks to a 5 day suspension and Jamekah Ivy. I’m really upset actually. I wanted my prom to be special. I wanted to be asked all special. I wanted to be picked up. I want to take cute pictures. I want to just have one night. But, thats not happening. Oh well…The family is well. Jocelyn is getting ready to leave so we’re all really focused on her. Idk what i’m going to do without my sister. She’s really become like a best friend to me this past year. But though i’m not excited about her leaving i’m ready to stop being compared. Does anyone know what its like to be the ugly sister? It sucks. lol I’m constantly compared to Jocelyn. She’s got that pretty hair(lol), she’s thick, she dances, she’s quiet and perfect. I’m the opposite. Short hair. Skinny. Nerd. Loud. Troublesome. My mother and i haven’t changed a bit. She just deems me as over-dramatic and defensive. I am but its for reason. I cannot seem to gain her approval. i’m not quite so sure why i need it so much but i do. I just want her to say she sees how hard i’m working or she likes something i’m doing. She judges me still and continues to fuss at me for cutting my hair my choice of clothing. I don’t care what anyone says usually but she’s my mother dammitt. She’s supposed to pretend to like my shit. My dad is there as usual just standing by never saying much at times I imagine he comes in my room after a huge argument and says “I understand you” but it never happens. It’s good to imagine right ? Kyle and Monet are well. We’ve had it out time to time but I could never stop loving them. I’ve kind of left the recently because of Parish, but hopefully they both know i still give a fuck. Parish, ha. We’ve been together for 9 months ya’ know? Sometimes it seems like we’re fucking married.  He really does love me and I really love him. He’s leaving for college in June so shit. We’ll see how that goes. He hasn’t even been through his whoring stage so that tells you something…I trust him…probably to much. I feel entirely to vulnerable when it comes to him…reminds me of times with Shyheim. Ahh Shyheim, he’s probably the main reason for this breakdown. He was a new girlfriend…she’s white, gorgeous, long hair, and perfect. Did i mention she’s WHITE? haha. i don’t have an issue with jungle fever but ya kno? I thought he was supposed to love me through everything. I’m being a big baby about the entire situation I’m just shocked. I don’t want him to make it without me. I want him to need me like I used to need him. I wouldn’t leave Parish for him but at the same time I like to feel needed. I don’t think my hearts still broken I believe its just bruised. People say they understand but they cannot. This is the THIRD time I’ve been in this situation. Richard-Amanda and Jasmine. Christopher-Jasmine and Booba. Shyheim-Jamekah and Jordan and Cassidy. Maybe I need to let go and focus? Right ? Trust me I’ve tried. I was doing so well without Shyheim all spring break but as soon as we get to school and I see him and her its like all my pain rushes back.haha Did i mention Orlando? He’s like my fucking child. I don’t want to be anyones mother. Spring Break was the best. I went to the beach with 7 of the most amazing females I have ever met. They all are really encouraging to me. I’m tired though tumblr. I’m tired of fighting to make it. I just want to be me.